Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
ok first of all what the fuck
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
