The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
