Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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