Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
