He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
