So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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