I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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