The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
