does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
