never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
