she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
