I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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