I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
