Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
