she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
is that a dick in a sweater?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
