Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
