a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
