apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
