Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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