I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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