I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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