I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
