You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
