i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
