I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
