Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
