Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
