i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
