I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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