Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
