I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
