She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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