Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
