Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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