You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
