You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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