you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
