Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
