Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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