yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
