saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
