who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
