Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
