i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
