Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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