Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
