I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
