Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
