A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
3 2 1 whiskey
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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