i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
